Thankfulness Part 1

Thankfulness in November isn't exactly original, but I decided that I'd join the bandwagon. I've realized that my heart gets cranky and unsatisfied if I don't regularly practice thankfulness, so I might as well share (or at least record) how I have been blessed. What I am thankful for also nicely corresponds with what is happening in my life, and I like having something look back on and see what life was like with a one year old :)

I know that I won't have the time be disciplined enough to do this daily, so I thought I'd group post. The first set of things I am thankful for are God's blessings in my life.

1. My husband, Salah. I am so thankful for my husband, and I truly cannot imagine my life without him. He is my best friend, partner, and love. When we first became a couple, he told me that he wanted to encourage me, support me, and challenge my relationship with God. I am so thankful that he has done all three. The more I see other couples, the more I realize that we are (or have let ourselves become) a good match for each other. Although he sometimes drives me crazy, I know that he always has my best interest in mind and is genuinely on my side. We both have issues, but somehow our issues work together and (mostly) push the other to be better. I cannot imagine a better life partner and I am so grateful for the 8+ years of our marriage.

2. My son, Odin. I love that little man! Before becoming a parent, I didn't understand how much you could love someone (and so quickly!). It has been my great pleasure to watch Odin grow, learn, and explore. He brings joy to my life daily, challenges me to be a better person, and helps me to appreciate the little things (and slow down to see them). I am so glad that he is a part of our lives.

3. My mom. I haven't always been on the best of terms with my mom, or family, but this last year has made me appreciate my mom. She sacrifices for us, and has always been a great example of how to love the Lord faithfully. I am glad she is part of our lives, and hope that she can become a more regular part soon.

4. Healing in my relationship with my mom. This time last year I wasn't sure if I wanted my mom to be part of my life at all, and had no idea how reconciliation would happen. I remember driving home from Bible Study and feeling like the Lord was telling me that He could and would heal our relationship - and I wasn't sure that I believed Him. Odin was VERY sick, and (when we finally told her everything that was going on) she immediately flew down, stepped in, and really helped us work through his issues. She used up 2+ years of time share time so that we could have a place to go out of our toxic apartment, and has regularly been a part of our life since. I am so grateful for God's healing of our relationship and that I can talk to her regularly. God truly is the great Counselor and Prince of Peace.

5. Our health. There is nothing like experiencing a time of sickness to make you appreciate health. I am so grateful that Odin is now healthy (and active and CRAZY) rather than lethargic and fighting for his life! I am grateful that Salah and I are generally healthy and don't struggle with health issues. I am thankful that Odin hasn't caught any crazy/weird childhood illnesses and that even his colds haven't been too bad. Thank you Jesus for our health, may we take care of the bodies you have entrusted to us!

6. Our house (and Long Beach). I never thought I would like living in Southern California, but I love Long Beach. I am grateful for this house, for our friendly and generous neighbors, for the nature center, and for its safety.

7. Friends (especially other moms). I am so thankful for friends. I really need other people to keep me sane. Being a mom is tough, and I am grateful for the other moms who reach out to me and encourage me to keep fighting the good fight through washing dishes, doing laundry, making meals, and wiping noses.

8. Being a stay at home mom. I love being a stay at home mom. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to spend my days with Odin and intentionally build him up. I love that I get to see every milestone, make him laugh, read to him, and watch him sleep. I LOVE what I do, and there is nothing I would rather be doing than teaching Odin. Salah has sacrificed so much so that I can stay at home, and although we have tough days, I am so glad that I get to stay with Odin.

9. Facebook. It may sound silly, but I am thankful for facebook and the opportunity it gives me to stay in touch with far away friends.

10. Walking. I do a lot of walking: it is the way Odin calms down and goes to sleep. I am thankful that I can get out of the house, fill my body with Vitamin D, meet the neighbors, and exercise. I am thankful that I have found a way to give Odin a break (I think he just has so much energy that he needs to be slowed down sometimes). I am grateful that I have a way to realax that is good for me and my son.

I love my life and these boys!

Remembering

Uggh... This is one of those days that I usually pretend that doesn't exist. Today is the 12th anniversary of my dad's suicide. I never know what to feel today, or what to expect. Part of me is sad, part is angry, part hurts and part just doesn't know how to process. Sometimes I don't feel anything and then feel guilty about that. It's not my favorite day, and generally makes me hate the Halloween season in general.

Today usually makes me start asking 'what if' questions. What if he had lived? What would have happened? Would we have mended our relationship? Would I have met/married Salah? Would my life look drastically different? What if I hadn't been rude the last time I talked to him? One part of me knows that if he had lived, our relationship would have been rocky for a while - I had (and maybe still do) have issues with his anger, his part in my parent's breakup, and feelings of abandonment. The fact that he is dead changes my part of reconciliation. There is no present relationship to mend, no current pain to deal with. I "just" have to deal with what has happened in the past. My part is to heal and then go on with life. Although typing that just seems cold. Either way, I am reminded that my life has been shaped by the choices of others, particularly my father's death.

This is the first year that I've dealt with my dad's death as a parent. Last year I was anticipating giving birth that I didn't really have the emotional space to process it. But now, things have calmed down, and I wonder (again) what I'm going to say to Odin about his grandfather. When do you explain to your child that his grandfather committed suicide? How do you say that? I'm beginning to understand why parents keep things from their children (that children think they can handle, be it true or not). What questions will Odin ask? Do I just tell Odin that he died, and then later explain the suicide? As with many things, I don't think there is a right or an easy answer. I won't pretend to say that I know what I'm going to do.

As time passes, I feel that I'm able to understand my dad more, which is actually nice. When I was younger I was very optimistic, hadn't faced many tough choices, and didn't understand how a person could love another yet still hurt them. I'm not anywhere close to suicidal, or even depressed, but I have experienced loneliness, intense frustration, heartbreak, no-win scenarios, and being backed into a corner. I wish that he had been able to reach out and get help, but I now better understand him feeling trapped. I still feel hurt, even after all this time and a better understanding of him.

I am grateful that things have gotten easier. My dad was far from a perfect parent, and I still have scars from his actions. But I don't feel trapped by them anymore. While I absolutely want to give Odin my best, I have to say that I feel some comfort that if I can move past my dad, Odin will (by the grace of God) be able to move past my inevitable parenting mistakes (not that I want to hurt him, but I know I've already given him a few bad habits). I am so glad that God heals our hearts, even if part of the process is painful remembrance.

I miss you dad.

Where does time go?

11 months went by very fast!

First let me get this out of the way: I LOVE Odin! He is so amazing. I definitely didn't expect to be this in love, and have so much fun playing with him. Being his mom is awesome!

He is growing up so fast (I know, it's what everyone says, but it's true!).
Here are a few highlights and new things going on in my world.
-Odin started giving 'kisses'. It's the sweetest thing, but it is actually more of a bite. Both Salah and I love it!
-When he's tired, Odin will come up to me and lay his head on me. I LOVE these snuggles. It's so sweet to see him starting to give affection and express himself.
-In the last week he has started talking (babbling really). As with everything he does, its cute.
-On October 11, he took his first wobbly step. He can stand on his own when he wants to. Normally, this is when he forgets to hold himself up, but keeps standing. He doesn't have much confidence in his walking, and for now prefers the speed of crawling.
-Odin's hatred of the carseat has increased. We had a tough trip to MOPS at the beginning of the month. Thankfully he fell asleep on the way home last time. It's so hard when he screams unconsolably.

-Stranger danger and separation anxiety are in full swing. Odin LOVES mom, and sometimes wants me to hold him constantly, even when we are at home.
-Odin's health continues to be good (thank you Lord!) and we haven't had any major crises lately. Even when Salah got a bad cold (hopefully the flu, so we don't get it later), Odin was barely sick. I am so grateful he continues to do well.
-Food wise, Odin continues to surprise me. I never know how much or what he is going to eat. In general, he is not too picky (and even has a sweet tooth like mama). His food allergies continue to improve. I now can eat everything but dairy and chocolate as far as he is concerned (although I might have a wheat intolerance). I even tried pizza (SO GOOD!!) for the first time in over 8 months, and so far it doesn't seem to bother him.

-Odin continues to have SO.MUCH.ENERGY. You would never guess that the first 2+ months of his life he was lethargic. He loves play time, being 'chased' by mom, and exploring new things.
-For now, Odin still takes 2 naps a day. I never know how long they are going to last, but I try to get done what I can while he sleeps. He has started going to bed at night without a walk, which is convenient since the weather is a balmy 60 degrees most night (much to chilly for him).

-Odin has started to play ball by rolling it to me. His directional abilities are lacking, but it's still fun. He has amazing bodily spatial awareness, and even when crawling over the desk, chairs, and table, he rarely smacks his head. Clearly, he has the spatial awareness of his father and not his mother.
-Diaper changes have become crazy. Earlier this month he started refusing to lay on his back. Have you ever tried to change a poopy diaper while the baby rolls over? It's not easy, let me tell you. My solution to this has been changing him standing up. This, thankfully, is easier than it sounds once you get the hang of it.
-Odin *ahem* loves pretty girls. Normally he is very shy with strangers, but if you happen to be an attractive young lady (especially blonde) then he will reach out and smile like crazy. I'm already a bit nervous
-Apparently Odin is more aware of social trends than I am. We recently found out that if he is fussy, he will instantly calm down to the song 'gangnam style.' We still have yet to video tape this.


All in all, it's been a fun and busy month. Odin is becoming so much more fun to play with, and I love watching him explore. Thanks for tolerating my 'mom posts' I just want to make sure I record this phase of life in all its joys and struggles.

Just Coexist

And acquaintance of mine posted on Facebook last night, saying something to the effect of 'I am proud that my family and friends have diverse religious beliefs and that we all compassionately get along.' Many people 'liked' her post and almost everyone in the comments agreed, supporting the importance of tolerance. While this path of agnostic, tolerance, privatizing religion, and placing an emphasis on personal spirituality is the trend in America, I see this as a move away from truth and am afraid for where it will lead.

On one hand, coexisting is important. History is full of examples of religious differences causing wars where hearts went untouched. I am guessing very few true converts were made during the wars in Ireland, the Bosnian/Serbian slaughter, or the multitude of attacks in the Middle East. Threats of death do not promote truth.

However, the coexisting that is promoted by bumperstickers, t-shirts, and the media is also very unhealthy. If we ignore our differences and try not to bring them up, then we are completely overlooking the point of religion.

Perhaps my view of religion is different than most peoples'. I believe that we must seek truth and aim to have true beliefs, regardless of the subject matter. As I am not an atheist, I believe that God exists, can be known, and so I aim to align my beliefs with who God truly is. Religion is not a cultural preferece, pure spirituality (whatever that means), or a mere set of practices. Instead it is a way of viewing the world and intentional character change to become the kind of person God wants. As I have very different beliefs about God, the world He created, and the kind of person I am supposed to be than Muslims, Mormons, Hindus, and Buddhists, we have different beliefs.

10 Months

I know every parent says this, but I can't believe how fast Odin is growing up! I love that little man more and more each day. He is so much fun to be with, and so much to handle! Our little man is definitely intense and he knows what he wants (and how to get it already)!

Likes:
-Play time (he loves doing things on his own and being able to explore)
-Mom, still his favorite person
-Staying up late
-Walks (still how we put him to sleep)
-Reading, especially books with sounds

Dislikes:
-Vegetables and baby food (he recently learned how to spit food out of his mouth)
-Being told no (which he certainly understands)

Milestones:
-He crawls on his hands and knees regularly
-Pulls himself up without effort
-'Cruises' along the couch (I think if we wanted him to walk we could do it easily)
-Playing the 'put it away' game. We just started, but he likes putting things in boxes.
-He has started yelling or shaking when we take something away from him
-It's hard to tell, but it seems like Odin understands lots of words including: mom, dad, eat, drink, look, no, put away, hands, glasses, walk, binkie and lots that I'm not remembering right now.


I love you Odin!

Parenting Goals

Being a parent is hard work... obviously. Every parent you will ever meet probably says this regularly, because it is true. As a parent there are dozens of things I have to balance: healthy eating, social interaction, house cleaning, getting enough sleep, staying sane, and (oh yeah) marriage. Because there is so much to do, it is easy to let myself slip into ‘autopilot’ and just get through my day. Survival sometimes seems impossible for me, so how could I do more?
Enough whining for now: parenting is a phenomenal gift (and I love it). I don’t just want to get through the next 18+ years, I want to intentionally raise Odin so that (to the best of my ability) he is an amazing man. I have many dreams and goals for him, and I know that they just won’t ‘happen’ to come about: I need to be an intentional mom.
Having lofty goals and dreams is great, but I need a specific plan of action if things like ‘encourage Odin to love truth’ are ever going to happen. I wanted to write down (and publicly share for accountability) what my dreams for Odin are. If I’m being honest, this is what I want for myself, my husband, and just about everybody I know.... but for now I’ll work on developing it in myself so that I can (hopefully) guide Odin to these.
Physically
-Have energy to be passionate about life
-Be in good shape so that he is not limited by exhaustion, lack of strength or stamina, people’s perceptions, or excess
-Know what good food is and how to eat it, but not be so picky that he insults others
-Be disciplined so that a lack of sleep, food, or energy doesn’t cripple him
Socially
-Truly love others as God loves Him
-Be able to assess a social situation, and read what others are thinking
-Be comfortable in a group or alone
-Have at least one really good friend
Emotionally
-Be self aware to recognize emotions and where they come from
-Understand what energizes him
-Be able to express himself clearly and appropriately when big emotions are involved
Mentally
-Love Truth
-Understand a variety of worldviews and be able to rationally know why he chose his
-Have a wide enough knowledge base to understand topics of general conversation
-Have the research/learning skills to find answers to any question
-Have an ‘always-ready-to-learn’ attitude
Spiritually
-Truly love Jesus
-Be a warrior for the Kingdom of God and actively destroying evil
-Have the confidence to share Jesus with others

I also have some general principles I want to teach him that don’t fit perfectly into any category. Here are some of them...
-Small choices determine character
-Be able to prioritize
-Always keep growing and learning
-Life isn’t fair, make the most of the opportunities you are given
-Life is a process with seasons
-Guard your heart
-Do things right the first time, and if you don’t fix it

May the Lord have mercy over my parenting!

9 Months

Odin is growing up so fast! Another blog I follow posts monthly updates about her son, and I thought it would be a good idea. Odin changes so quickly and I've already missed chronicling it, but late is better than never, right?

What Odin loves: Odin is SO independent! He loves doing this for himself. Any time I put something new in front of him, he wants to explore and understand it. His favorite 'toys' are power cords, which we have a hard time keeping away from him! He loves kitchen items (spatulas, bowls, pastry brushes etc) more than typical baby toys. We just got look-and-feel books, which he enjoys often. He doesn't sit still as long for reading as he did a month ago, but he still enjoys being read to. At this point, Odin is definitely a momma's boy, I'm his favorite person! Sometimes it is amazing (like when he snuggles me while on a walk), but other times it can be challenging (when he refuses to go to others). Odin still loves going for walks, it helps to calm him down whenever he is fussy (which really is not very frequent). He want to have time to himself to play and explore - and I appreciate the time also! Odin is very creative and I am constantly having to find new ways to entertain him, or keep him away from un-baby-proofed areas. Odin is very tough, and rarely cries - even when he falls over an bonks his head. He certainly has his parents' pain tolerance.

What Odin dislikes: Odin does not like being in the car. This isn't new at all, but he is getting more creative at fighting the carseat - much to my chagrin. Unfortunately Odin doesn't like many vegetables - he is a great eater of grains, fruit and beans, but NOT veggies. He got his last tooth a while ago, but he doesn't love teething (who would?). Biting dad helps to ease the pain.

Milestones: Odin is beginning to crawl with his tummy off the ground. He has been crawling army-style for over a month. He is still faster army style, but is continuing to increase doing it the 'regular' way. Odin can feed himself very well, and appreciates whole food over baby food. He is babbling more and more each day (depending on his mood). He regularly says 'mama' but I don't think he has attached the meaning to me yet. Regularly I look away only to find that Odin has pulled himself up yet again - which is only problematic because he doesn't fall very well yet. He has a tendency to fall on his head rather than his bum. Stranger danger has somewhat set in - he is cautious when he sees new people but doesn't cry. However, he refuses to be held by almost anyone but mom or dad.

All in all, I LOVE being a mom. It is fun, challenging, exciting, and exhausting. Odin is teaching me to appreciate the present moment, take time to relax, PRAY, and enjoy the small things. I am so grateful for my little man - he is growing up so quickly. I want to remember this special time :)