Remembering

Uggh... This is one of those days that I usually pretend that doesn't exist. Today is the 12th anniversary of my dad's suicide. I never know what to feel today, or what to expect. Part of me is sad, part is angry, part hurts and part just doesn't know how to process. Sometimes I don't feel anything and then feel guilty about that. It's not my favorite day, and generally makes me hate the Halloween season in general.

Today usually makes me start asking 'what if' questions. What if he had lived? What would have happened? Would we have mended our relationship? Would I have met/married Salah? Would my life look drastically different? What if I hadn't been rude the last time I talked to him? One part of me knows that if he had lived, our relationship would have been rocky for a while - I had (and maybe still do) have issues with his anger, his part in my parent's breakup, and feelings of abandonment. The fact that he is dead changes my part of reconciliation. There is no present relationship to mend, no current pain to deal with. I "just" have to deal with what has happened in the past. My part is to heal and then go on with life. Although typing that just seems cold. Either way, I am reminded that my life has been shaped by the choices of others, particularly my father's death.

This is the first year that I've dealt with my dad's death as a parent. Last year I was anticipating giving birth that I didn't really have the emotional space to process it. But now, things have calmed down, and I wonder (again) what I'm going to say to Odin about his grandfather. When do you explain to your child that his grandfather committed suicide? How do you say that? I'm beginning to understand why parents keep things from their children (that children think they can handle, be it true or not). What questions will Odin ask? Do I just tell Odin that he died, and then later explain the suicide? As with many things, I don't think there is a right or an easy answer. I won't pretend to say that I know what I'm going to do.

As time passes, I feel that I'm able to understand my dad more, which is actually nice. When I was younger I was very optimistic, hadn't faced many tough choices, and didn't understand how a person could love another yet still hurt them. I'm not anywhere close to suicidal, or even depressed, but I have experienced loneliness, intense frustration, heartbreak, no-win scenarios, and being backed into a corner. I wish that he had been able to reach out and get help, but I now better understand him feeling trapped. I still feel hurt, even after all this time and a better understanding of him.

I am grateful that things have gotten easier. My dad was far from a perfect parent, and I still have scars from his actions. But I don't feel trapped by them anymore. While I absolutely want to give Odin my best, I have to say that I feel some comfort that if I can move past my dad, Odin will (by the grace of God) be able to move past my inevitable parenting mistakes (not that I want to hurt him, but I know I've already given him a few bad habits). I am so glad that God heals our hearts, even if part of the process is painful remembrance.

I miss you dad.