When I was little, I had my life completely planned out. I was going to go to college, meet the man of my dreams, and get married the summer after I graduated. Then I might work for a year or two before having kids. I was going to have 2 or 4 kids and enjoy being a mom. I would of course live in Idaho around my family. Naturally I would keep in touch with my friends from high school and college, as well as going to the same church that I grew up in. My planned life was going to be a natural continuation of the life that I had at the time. It was going to be good. I would fight with my husband every now and then (because that's what every couple does)... we wouldn't completely understand each other but we would always be madly in love. This would be ok because I would always have my girlfriends to confide in, and together we could make it through anything.
For better or for worse, my life is nothing like this. I married a guy in the middle of college, went on for two master's degrees, and now have no idea what will happen as far as a career goes. I think it would be an amazing opportunity to teach, but am not sure that I will be able to find a position. I currently don't live anywhere near my family... who has generally spread out, just like my friends and the church I grew up in. There is no life to go back to even if we did move to Boise. My husband and I get along better than I thought possible; if there are such things as soul-mates, we are a pair. But I have changed and moved at pivotal times that I don't have the close girlfriends I anticipated. Life is good, but certainly not as I expected.
Salah and I went to Portland to check it out and realized that it wasn't the place for us. I had a picture of what it would be like and it was very different. We're pretty sure that it's not the place that we want to put down roots and stay in long term. It was nice that the decision was very clear and we were both on the same page. But now it is really hard to decide where to go from here. I never expected this. I didn't expect to be almost a year out from my masters and still not have a full time job. I didn't expect to wait so long to have kids, and still not be sure when the best time to start that is. I'm not sure what to do when I have somewhat competing interests. I didn't expect so much uncertantity, but that seems to be reality.
I want to live life that is well thought out and intentional, but I'm realizing that hearing about it in graduate school and putting it into practice are two different things. I want to learn to be good to others, but sometimes being good feels very close to enabling. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I know that no matter how hard and frustrating things can seem in the moment, my life is really blessed. It's not what I expected, but I'm glad.
