In the middle

When I was little, I had my life completely planned out. I was going to go to college, meet the man of my dreams, and get married the summer after I graduated. Then I might work for a year or two before having kids. I was going to have 2 or 4 kids and enjoy being a mom. I would of course live in Idaho around my family. Naturally I would keep in touch with my friends from high school and college, as well as going to the same church that I grew up in. My planned life was going to be a natural continuation of the life that I had at the time. It was going to be good. I would fight with my husband every now and then (because that's what every couple does)... we wouldn't completely understand each other but we would always be madly in love. This would be ok because I would always have my girlfriends to confide in, and together we could make it through anything.
For better or for worse, my life is nothing like this. I married a guy in the middle of college, went on for two master's degrees, and now have no idea what will happen as far as a career goes. I think it would be an amazing opportunity to teach, but am not sure that I will be able to find a position. I currently don't live anywhere near my family... who has generally spread out, just like my friends and the church I grew up in. There is no life to go back to even if we did move to Boise. My husband and I get along better than I thought possible; if there are such things as soul-mates, we are a pair. But I have changed and moved at pivotal times that I don't have the close girlfriends I anticipated. Life is good, but certainly not as I expected.
Salah and I went to Portland to check it out and realized that it wasn't the place for us. I had a picture of what it would be like and it was very different. We're pretty sure that it's not the place that we want to put down roots and stay in long term. It was nice that the decision was very clear and we were both on the same page. But now it is really hard to decide where to go from here. I never expected this. I didn't expect to be almost a year out from my masters and still not have a full time job. I didn't expect to wait so long to have kids, and still not be sure when the best time to start that is. I'm not sure what to do when I have somewhat competing interests. I didn't expect so much uncertantity, but that seems to be reality.
I want to live life that is well thought out and intentional, but I'm realizing that hearing about it in graduate school and putting it into practice are two different things. I want to learn to be good to others, but sometimes being good feels very close to enabling. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I know that no matter how hard and frustrating things can seem in the moment, my life is really blessed. It's not what I expected, but I'm glad.

Late night thoughts

Life for me is in a phase of transition. For a while now Salah and I have both wanted to move out of the area, but that is much easier said than done. We are tired of LA's hectic life schedules, and never feeling like we can really breathe... in more ways than one. We've tossed around several ideas of where we want to go and are currently thinking of Portland, Denver, or Boise. Over spring break we are going to visit a friend in the Portland area to check it out. I'm really hoping we like it there.

But this time has not been easy for me. For those of you who know me, you realize how much I love to be in the know and in control. I like to be able to make decisions based on good reasons and plan ahead. Normally this is a good thing, but lately I have had to learn the art of patience. There simply isn't much that I can do to plan ahead right now (or for the past several months...). I have already looked at some jobs in the area and turned in a resume. We've scoped out houses in the area and they almost make me drool (who knew that you could buy something with a couple acres, a barn, and 3 bedrooms for less than the price of an LA condo?). Even the weather cooperated with an "extended" period of rain, and I actually liked it. So at this point, I've done most everything that I can. While I try to wait patiently, sometimes I get restless.

This restlessness has sent me into a couple periods of introspection. At this point, my mind is regularly wandering toward the future. I think about where we will live, where we will work, who will be our new friends, and what the other next steps are. At other times in my life, I have lived in the past. I would regularly think of those wonderful days and try to find ways to bring them back. What I do not regularly do is live in the present. It is hard for me to embrace the moment. Embrace that the sink is yet again filled with dirty dishes, appreciate the tough home situation of the kid giving me attitude in class, and actually sit back and enjoy the simple things in life like the sunset. Those little moments in life seem to be the ones that shape who we are, yet those are the ones that I push aside in my mind for what was or what I hope will be. I want to learn to take what I can from the past, be wise about the future, but live fully.

I know, I know... this is rather trite. Living in the moment or taking life one day at a time is certainly not a new idea. But as I get older (*sarcastic cough*) I am starting to appreciate the wisdom behind cliches. Certainly I am looking forward to the time when we move to a place that makes it easier to slow down. But I realize that living life intentionally and enjoying the moment is a regular choice. Even if we end up staying in LA for the rest of our lives, I can choose to mentally be where I am. It is my choice to take life as a gift, or resist everything that comes at me.