As it is the New Year, I've been thinking about things that I want to do differently. Not surprisingly, I would like to loose a some weight and generally would like to feel better about my appearance. Story of (almost) every woman's life.
As I was looking through a friend's Facebook pictures, I realized how much she has changed in the past few years. Having kids has aged her and caused some weight gain. But when I look at her now, all I see is an amazing mom, friend, and wife. I think of how encouraging she is, and how hard she works to connect all of her friends. I am grateful for the time she invests in me and in all the people around her. When I see her, I feel grateful - and I see a beautiful woman. I have no idea what my friend was like before she had kids - most likely she was just as giving, friendly, and encouraging. But maybe, having her beautiful children has shaped her heart to be more loving and gracious. I know that motherhood has changed me - that I have learned to judge less (still an area I need to grow in), love more, and appreciate the growing process. When I think of my friend, I see a beautiful woman who I want to have coffee with. I wouldn't trade her for the less tired, thinner version that I found on Facebook. I hope that she has learned to embrace who she has become and the process God is taking her though. I hope that she sees herself as beautiful and realizes how much we benefit from her hard work. I hope that she is gentle with herself and embraces this part of her journey - as tiring as it might be. I hope that the number on the scale doesn't hold as much power over you as it does for me. I hope none of this really applies to you and you see yourself through the eyes of the loving Maker.
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I recently tried a stint at a Yoga studio. Everyone who has tried yoga has said that I would love it, so I thought Christmas break would be a good time to give it a shot. The first day I walked out of hot yoga, sweating like crazy, and wasn't sure how I felt. I was able to do *some* form of most of the positions (quality will not me mentioned here), but I honestly didn't know what to feel. After trying it for a full week and trying very hard to like it, I admitted to myself that I do not like hot yoga. But my very brief stint into the world of Western-pluralistic-exercise has left me with some interesting ideas. So many other religions incorporate the body into their religious practice. Hindus practice yoga, Muslims have washings, prayers, fasting, and necessary journeys, and ancient pagan practices involved cultic sex - all as acts of worship. What does the American Evangelical Christian church do with our bodies? Not much. We might fast, but this is seen as optional and possibly extreme. We might lift our hands while singing, but by and large we don't even change our body position to pray (I know that I typically typically don't). If everyone else is doing something, then I should have a good reason not to do it as well. For too long I have seen my body as something that needs to be ignored, subdued, or controlled rather than a real part of who I am.
God made me - all of me - including my body. He knew what metabolism I would have, what physical weaknesses I would struggle with, and all the little imperfections that I wish I could change. He chose this body for me. Perhaps one day it will develop some terrible disease that will cause me pain, or maybe my mind will loose grip with reality - but for now I want to appreciate my body.
I want to stop ignoring the fact that God made me as body AND soul - and that He cares about and redeems all aspects of me. I want to start using my body to its full potential, and using it as a means of worship. I don't entirely have an idea of what this looks like. Perhaps it means times of prayer while prostrated. Perhaps I will practice the discipline of fasting. I'm not sure. But I am realizing that my body is a huge part of who I am and that I can no longer ignore it spiritually.
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For as long as I can remember, I have been judgmental. One of the only home movies we have of me is of me as a 5 year old playing with a friend - and I'm bossing her around. How embarrassing. I hate admitting to this struggle, but the first part of change is admitting the problem.
I used to read the verse "Judge not, that you not be judged" (Mt. 7:1) as something like "Don't judge what God has not yet judged, and God will be more gracious to you" or even "Judge as God has judged - but remember that you are covered in the blood of Christ" - thus somehow giving me a way to judge others but remember God's grace to me. I twisted God's words to say what I wanted them to say, and I suffered because of it.
Lately I've been learning a new aspect of judgement. If you judge others, then it will become difficult not to be judged by the same standard. There are a few people in my life who I really struggle showing grace toward - my first habit is to attack any annoyance while looking past any good action. Ironically, the people who I am the harshest with are the people most like myself. Talk about hypocrisy.
When I judge others, I am also judging myself wether or not I am consciously aware of it. I have been living under a burden of judgment that I meant to be pouring out on others but really have been pouring on myself. Judgement isn't meant for me - my shoulders are not big enough.
So I am working on extending grace instead of judgement - both to others and myself. I really struggle with extending grace because of my bad habits and because I feel like I am de-emphasizing the need to do good. But even as I write this, I am reminded that my goodness is like filthy rags to God. I cannot earn God's love, salvation, or anything other than His wrath (which instead of being given to me was given to Christ).
I need to let go of performance and live a life of love. I cannot make the first move in the game of love - it must be God. So instead of trying harder, I need to wait, stop trying so hard, and be loved.
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Instead of resolutions for 2015, I feel like I have been given a word: Surrender. So I'm working on surrendering my idea of beauty and my own expectations of my aging body (I am sure that I will cringe at that idea in 10+ years) and tying my identity to my weight. I am surrendering my idea that my body is unspiritual so that I may live holistically, as I was created to. I am surrendering my judgement gavel and turning to grace - for myself and others.
All these ideas involve the idea of love. Loving the true beauty in others and myself. Loving the body God gave me. Loving myself and others without judgement. The church that we just became part of has a tag line: live loved. It's as if God is trying to tell me something.
I don't know what this year looks like, but I know that I follow the Good - He may not be safe, but He is a good Father.
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