Money. What a tough subject. We are not supposed to talk about it, particularly as Christians - and yet it so often is what my thoughts (and emotions) dwell upon.
Since we moved from Southern California to Boise, we took a significant pay cut. Simple luxuries (like eating out) suddenly seem too much - and I often find myself stressed about money. I try and pretend like I'm not - because I feel like I shouldn't worry about something so worldly - but I do. I struggle with being generous and have to bite my tongue when my husband buys something that isn't on sale (although if it is something that I want suddenly it's not such a big deal).
We are slowly draining our savings and I was randomly thinking about what the Bible has to say about wealth. I kept wanting to think of some verse that said "Work hard and I will bless you with a stable income" or "Acquire as much wealth as you can even if it means being ungenerous" or "Having money will make you more effective in the kingdom of God" - but of course, none of these verses came to mind because they are American thoughts and not the thoughts of God. Instead I thought of the parable of the Rich fool (Luke 12:13-21) where a man takes in a big harvest, builds a new barn planning to rest in his amassed wealth, and then dies. The story ends by saying "This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God." Apparently a healthy 401k is not as important to God as I wish it was.
I think that I have fallen into the trap (or lie) that money really is important. I like to say that God is the most important aspect of my life, but the truth is that I think more of money than I do of God. And this seems to be idolatry. Not a fun sin to confess or admit to struggling with.
As I was trying thinking of some loop hole, I saw with fresh eyes a decoration on my wall - the fruit of the Spirit.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control.
And somehow none of these related to collecting wealth. If I am loving others, then I will not be focused on my own gain. Collecting money does not lead to joy or peace but stress and fear. As Jesus once said, we really can't serve God and money (Luke 16:13). I have been trying to for so long and finally realized that I am playing a loosing game. Serving money is all about me, my own, and what I can get/steal/sneak/hide. Serving God is about giving of myself, loving freely, and generously giving with a thankful heart.
And so I confess to God (and the Internet in general because no one reads this) that I'm done. By the grace of God, I do not want to serve money. I pray that God would change my heart and I really would want to give to others rather than gaining digits in my bank account. I would rather worry about showing love to hurting people than using the maximum number of coupons. But I know this will take time and the grace of God. God absolutely can change hearts, but the transformation rarely happens instantaneously. So I pray that God can take my idolatrous heart, and soften it so that it may fit through the eye of a needle.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
30
So... I'm 30.
And when I was a teenager, I was convinced that by 30 I was going to have my stuff together. I say 'stuff' because there is no way that my 15 year old self would have ever sworn because I am/was a CHRISTIAN and God does not allow for any swearing. (but I digress.) I have the distinct memory of being in a small group listening to prayer requests and being baffled that the adults had so many problems. They had been Christians for a long time, yet they still couldn't get over themselves and had petty problems. I was not going to be like that. By the time I turned 30, I would have my problems ironed out and I would live and effective life inspiring other for Christ.
That's not exactly how my life turned out. I don't have my shit together.
I remember reconnecting with an old friend when I was pregnant. We met for lunch and she brought her four year old along with her. As we talked, she would take breaks in the conversation to correct her son who (much to my shock) did not sit still and "misbehaved" by not coloring quietly for the whole lunch. My son would not act like this. He would be a good four year old and listen to his mother. HA!
There comes a time in all of our lives when we compare our expectations to reality. By 30, we *should* be able to keep our houses clean... but my husband is regularly frustrated by the regular mess and lack of vacuuming/dusting/clean toilets (and so am I when I'm honest). By 30, we should have figured out what we want to do 'when we grow up' ... but I sit with 2 masters degrees wondering when I will get to use my knowledge. By 30, we should have a solid community of friends who will support us in the good and bad times... but I'm not sure I even have a best friend much less a community of support.
So I have come to realize that I had great expectations for my life and my 'results' are underwhelming. There is always more to do, several habits to change or add, and character to develop within myself. When I think about what I expected my life to be like at 30 a decade ago, there is very little comparison. In some ways, I am far more blessed that I thought I ever could be. God has blessed me with an amazing husband, a vivacious and good son, a quality education, and an amazing home. Other aspects of my life are simply different than I had imagined; I do not work in an orphanage in an exotic land but I am a soon-to-be foster mom. I never had a serious career but I was able to deepen my relationship with God through a formal education. However, I think the areas of greatest disappointment come back to character issues. My extended family and I have parted ways and I can't see a resolution to the matter. I have come to dislike church culture so that I have a hard time finding a community to be part of. My heart often fails to break for the hurt around me and I turn a blind eye more often than Jesus' would have.
So what am I to do? When I finally admit to myself that I am not who I want to be or who I expected I would be, where do I go from here? What do I do with this gap?
From what I can see, I have several options. I can ignore the gap, I can keep trying harder, or I can ask for help.
I know that I can only live an abundant, flourishing life through God. So many different ideas and verses reflect the idea of getting our spiritual daily sustenance from God: the vine and the branches, abiding in Christ, or walking in the Spirit. I know that I cannot do this through my own power, but only through Christ who strengthens me and with the help of the Spirit. I know that Christianity doesn't have any 'secret knowledge' or special means of getting to this place, but still I feel like I am missing something important.
On the days that I just can't seem to shake my bad attitude, continually yell at my two year old, complain about the people who love me, and am generally nasty (all while trying to convince myself that I'm just hungry or tired or SOMETHING external is wrong...) I try and pray. I know that God can change my hard, angry heart - but I also know that He often uses the journey to truly change me rather than just wave away my bad attitude. I just wish that I knew how to maintain this connection to God. It feels like everything I try is within my own power and strength.
And so even following God is not how I expected it to be. I recognize that God works in ways that we do not understand. On my wall, I have a quote written by J.P. Moreland saying "God maintains a delicate balance between keeping His existence sufficiently evidence so people will know He's there and yet hiding His presence enough so that people who want to choose to ignore Him can do it. This way, their choice of destiny is really free." And I think perhaps that this not only applies to God's existence but also His presence and growth in our lives. God often moves slowly so that the change is real and permanent. One simple prayer of 'Help me change my bad attitude' will not wipe away the habits of selfishness that I have stored up in my heart. God wants me to truly choose Him rather than just wish He was there in the frustrating moments.
As with most things in the Christian life, closing the sanctification gap (or different between who I know I am called to be and the reality of my heart) is a paradox and an partnership. God (usually) will not instantly change my heart but I cannot change my heart on my own. We work together. I have no idea why God works this way in the world - it seems rather inefficient to me - but then again I am not God. Perhaps I miss the bigger picture of me falling in love with God and learning to work with Him. Perhaps the idea is more of two lovers learning to walk in step with one another than a parent teaching her child to walk. God has designed so that we work with Him in the process of becoming like Jesus as we realize how truly wonderful He is. Perhaps my focus this decade should be to spend more time gazing into the heart of my Savior than trying to grow up and walk independently of my parent. Such a simple truth - that I must spend time with God to know and love Him - but one that I regularly forget/ignore.
So here I am ... 30 ... and struggling with the sanctification gap. But I am grateful that I am not alone on this journey.
And when I was a teenager, I was convinced that by 30 I was going to have my stuff together. I say 'stuff' because there is no way that my 15 year old self would have ever sworn because I am/was a CHRISTIAN and God does not allow for any swearing. (but I digress.) I have the distinct memory of being in a small group listening to prayer requests and being baffled that the adults had so many problems. They had been Christians for a long time, yet they still couldn't get over themselves and had petty problems. I was not going to be like that. By the time I turned 30, I would have my problems ironed out and I would live and effective life inspiring other for Christ.
That's not exactly how my life turned out. I don't have my shit together.
I remember reconnecting with an old friend when I was pregnant. We met for lunch and she brought her four year old along with her. As we talked, she would take breaks in the conversation to correct her son who (much to my shock) did not sit still and "misbehaved" by not coloring quietly for the whole lunch. My son would not act like this. He would be a good four year old and listen to his mother. HA!
There comes a time in all of our lives when we compare our expectations to reality. By 30, we *should* be able to keep our houses clean... but my husband is regularly frustrated by the regular mess and lack of vacuuming/dusting/clean toilets (and so am I when I'm honest). By 30, we should have figured out what we want to do 'when we grow up' ... but I sit with 2 masters degrees wondering when I will get to use my knowledge. By 30, we should have a solid community of friends who will support us in the good and bad times... but I'm not sure I even have a best friend much less a community of support.
So I have come to realize that I had great expectations for my life and my 'results' are underwhelming. There is always more to do, several habits to change or add, and character to develop within myself. When I think about what I expected my life to be like at 30 a decade ago, there is very little comparison. In some ways, I am far more blessed that I thought I ever could be. God has blessed me with an amazing husband, a vivacious and good son, a quality education, and an amazing home. Other aspects of my life are simply different than I had imagined; I do not work in an orphanage in an exotic land but I am a soon-to-be foster mom. I never had a serious career but I was able to deepen my relationship with God through a formal education. However, I think the areas of greatest disappointment come back to character issues. My extended family and I have parted ways and I can't see a resolution to the matter. I have come to dislike church culture so that I have a hard time finding a community to be part of. My heart often fails to break for the hurt around me and I turn a blind eye more often than Jesus' would have.
So what am I to do? When I finally admit to myself that I am not who I want to be or who I expected I would be, where do I go from here? What do I do with this gap?
From what I can see, I have several options. I can ignore the gap, I can keep trying harder, or I can ask for help.
I know that I can only live an abundant, flourishing life through God. So many different ideas and verses reflect the idea of getting our spiritual daily sustenance from God: the vine and the branches, abiding in Christ, or walking in the Spirit. I know that I cannot do this through my own power, but only through Christ who strengthens me and with the help of the Spirit. I know that Christianity doesn't have any 'secret knowledge' or special means of getting to this place, but still I feel like I am missing something important.
On the days that I just can't seem to shake my bad attitude, continually yell at my two year old, complain about the people who love me, and am generally nasty (all while trying to convince myself that I'm just hungry or tired or SOMETHING external is wrong...) I try and pray. I know that God can change my hard, angry heart - but I also know that He often uses the journey to truly change me rather than just wave away my bad attitude. I just wish that I knew how to maintain this connection to God. It feels like everything I try is within my own power and strength.
And so even following God is not how I expected it to be. I recognize that God works in ways that we do not understand. On my wall, I have a quote written by J.P. Moreland saying "God maintains a delicate balance between keeping His existence sufficiently evidence so people will know He's there and yet hiding His presence enough so that people who want to choose to ignore Him can do it. This way, their choice of destiny is really free." And I think perhaps that this not only applies to God's existence but also His presence and growth in our lives. God often moves slowly so that the change is real and permanent. One simple prayer of 'Help me change my bad attitude' will not wipe away the habits of selfishness that I have stored up in my heart. God wants me to truly choose Him rather than just wish He was there in the frustrating moments.
As with most things in the Christian life, closing the sanctification gap (or different between who I know I am called to be and the reality of my heart) is a paradox and an partnership. God (usually) will not instantly change my heart but I cannot change my heart on my own. We work together. I have no idea why God works this way in the world - it seems rather inefficient to me - but then again I am not God. Perhaps I miss the bigger picture of me falling in love with God and learning to work with Him. Perhaps the idea is more of two lovers learning to walk in step with one another than a parent teaching her child to walk. God has designed so that we work with Him in the process of becoming like Jesus as we realize how truly wonderful He is. Perhaps my focus this decade should be to spend more time gazing into the heart of my Savior than trying to grow up and walk independently of my parent. Such a simple truth - that I must spend time with God to know and love Him - but one that I regularly forget/ignore.
So here I am ... 30 ... and struggling with the sanctification gap. But I am grateful that I am not alone on this journey.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Picking Sides
I’ve been wanting to start blogging much more regularly about topics that matter to me, mainly education, faith, family, and intentionality. I see Christianity in America giving up its strongholds scientific naturalism, apathy, and culture wars. As a Christian, it is so easy to start picking sides and creating allies and enemies based on political or philosophical ideas. However, we forget the bigger picture.
I was thinking about the somewhat recent debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye, a video can be found here. In this video and in his ministry, Ken Ham argues strongly that the first chapters in Genesis are to be taken completely literally, and the story presented can account for all scientific discoveries. Bill Nye argues that young earth creationism (YEC) cannot account for the fossil record, observations in astronomy, or the age of the earth. Nye recognizes that many people of faith do not hold to YEC and merely argues against this very literal reading and the scientific perspectives that result. For quite a long time, I held to the YEC theory because I believed the Bible to be true. I thought that any reading besides the literal one was not true to Scripture and found it to be offensive. I saw anyone speaking against a literalist view of any part of the Bible as being anti-Christianity and doing a lot of damage.
In fact, I often saw people who disagreed with me as doing, and were vocal about it, as being against Christ. I thought that in order to properly love God, you had to agree with my political opinions, way of interpreting the Bible, and way that I expressed my faith (an early morning Bible study, prayer before every meal, and a judgmental look before a smirk at an inappropriate comment). Our culture has taught us to pick sides; we often define ourselves by the opinions we hold and the people with which we associate. When we befriend with the people who are similar to us, it becomes easy to look down on the differences of others and see them as bad. If you have less money than I do, then you don’t know how to properly manage your resources. If you have more money than I do, then you must have an issue with greed or selfishness. If you are thinner than I am, then you spend too much time on your body and have a vanity problem, but if you are heavier than I am then you have an issue with gluttony. Because I, naturally, have it all together. While I am, of course, being sarcastic, it is easy to slip into these ways of thinking about politics, money, wealth, generosity, anger, or patience. I create my own bubble of what it means to be a good Christian and anyone a deviation or two off of myself no longer loves Jesus.
But, when we are being honest, life is not that simple. Ken Ham believes that he is defending his faith, the Bible, and the Kingdom of God as he pours all of himself into preaching YEC. However, Hugh Ross, a Christian apologist, astrophysicist and promoter of Old Earth Creationism also believes that he is defending the faith, the Bible, and the Kingdom of God - even though his message is directly contradictory to Ken Ham. Both (presumably) love Jesus but are preaching opposing messages. So what are we to do? How are we to handle differences in opinion or perspectives - especially when these topics are close to our hearts and significant to salvation?
First, we must begin by setting Truth as the goal. We must aim at knowing and understanding the truth, and not just promoting our own perspective. No matter how fond you are of your perspective, or how important it seems to other beliefs, let truth be your goal. Take the hotly debated topic of evolution of the species. An initial reading of the Bible would likely lead you to hold a Young Earth perspective where God created the animals and then formed man from the dust. However, current science tells an opposing story of gradual change over vast amounts of time eventually leading to a variety of different species. If you are a scientist, or classroom teacher, or parent - let us examine what evidence we have and try to come with a coherent story that accounts for scientific theorizing, the story of creation, God’s actions in history, and the fossil record. Why don’t we often take the time to do this? Because it is HARD work! It is extremely difficult to look at the evidence and possibly have been wrong. The scientific and religious communities are so accustomed to ignoring one another that dialogue is awkward and we don’t know where to start. Science often is not open to examining the possibility of truth within religious claims and religion tends to ignore any science that is not in agreement with tradition. It is difficult to admit that some areas we don’t understand completely and might need to change our previously held interpretation (for both sides). Both sides cannot be completely right - and there was only one way that our world was made. Unfortunately, we don’t have an exact description of how this happened and it takes significant work to puzzle out what took place. However, we must be committed to seeking the Truth and being willing to adjust our lives as we come to understand truth more completely. Jesus said “I am the way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father but through me” (John 14:6). If God not True, then there is little point in following him. The goals in our theological and philosophical discussions must be truth.
Second, we must identify what our goal is in having debates or promoting an opinion. In the world of social media, it is easy to become upset at a ‘Friend’s’ post and need to add your opinion. Some feel the need to defend their position at every turn while others like to push certain agendas. Some posts and comments are helpful, but others are just a form of self-promotion. I try and ask myself why I am writing something, and whether or not it will truly be beneficial to those who see it. While I do not always succeed, I want what I write to be an encouragement, promote the Kingdom of God, or help others seek Truth. If any of these objectives are not met, then I really shouldn’t be adding to a debate.
Next, I want to be very careful how I pick sides. The Bible speaks of us being in a spiritual battle, and this is just as applicable today as it was 2000 years ago (Eph 6:12). Our enemy wants us to be deceived and fight amongst ourselves. The more focused we are on proper styles of worship music, writing rules for how frequently a woman can speak, or the less time we will have to spend on loving others, seeking truth, and promoting justice. Let us first ask the question ‘Do we both love God with all our hearts?’ and let the conversation move from there. Once we both realize that we are on the same team, then the debate may progress to areas of disagreement, but we can at least have some point of agreement that may guide our struggle towards truth.
So let us continue to debate the proper way to express sexuality, women in ministry, doubt within faith, whether hell exists, how to deal with divorce, the inerrancy of Scripture, or what to do about sex trafficking. We need to debate these issues because our culture and God’s way of living will always be at odds (Jn 17:14); one promotes self and the other requires death to self (Eph 4:22). But let us do so in a manner that promotes truth and love. Let us remember that loving means saying what is hard, but in a way that respects the other person and promotes them to do good. We are going to have internal struggles as a Christian community, so let us strive to do so in a way that brings light and does not just inflict damage. Remember that our goal is God’s truth and not self-promotion.
On this blog I will write statements that you disagree with. I will probably make you angry, but hopefully I will make you think. Let’s agree to disagree in a way that makes us both better and doesn’t just try to make the other look bad. Let’s be encouraging in our disagreements and not just sweep them under the rug. I’m choosing to draw the dividing lines here: Truth and Lies - and trying to work my own beliefs towards truth.
I was thinking about the somewhat recent debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye, a video can be found here. In this video and in his ministry, Ken Ham argues strongly that the first chapters in Genesis are to be taken completely literally, and the story presented can account for all scientific discoveries. Bill Nye argues that young earth creationism (YEC) cannot account for the fossil record, observations in astronomy, or the age of the earth. Nye recognizes that many people of faith do not hold to YEC and merely argues against this very literal reading and the scientific perspectives that result. For quite a long time, I held to the YEC theory because I believed the Bible to be true. I thought that any reading besides the literal one was not true to Scripture and found it to be offensive. I saw anyone speaking against a literalist view of any part of the Bible as being anti-Christianity and doing a lot of damage.
In fact, I often saw people who disagreed with me as doing, and were vocal about it, as being against Christ. I thought that in order to properly love God, you had to agree with my political opinions, way of interpreting the Bible, and way that I expressed my faith (an early morning Bible study, prayer before every meal, and a judgmental look before a smirk at an inappropriate comment). Our culture has taught us to pick sides; we often define ourselves by the opinions we hold and the people with which we associate. When we befriend with the people who are similar to us, it becomes easy to look down on the differences of others and see them as bad. If you have less money than I do, then you don’t know how to properly manage your resources. If you have more money than I do, then you must have an issue with greed or selfishness. If you are thinner than I am, then you spend too much time on your body and have a vanity problem, but if you are heavier than I am then you have an issue with gluttony. Because I, naturally, have it all together. While I am, of course, being sarcastic, it is easy to slip into these ways of thinking about politics, money, wealth, generosity, anger, or patience. I create my own bubble of what it means to be a good Christian and anyone a deviation or two off of myself no longer loves Jesus.
But, when we are being honest, life is not that simple. Ken Ham believes that he is defending his faith, the Bible, and the Kingdom of God as he pours all of himself into preaching YEC. However, Hugh Ross, a Christian apologist, astrophysicist and promoter of Old Earth Creationism also believes that he is defending the faith, the Bible, and the Kingdom of God - even though his message is directly contradictory to Ken Ham. Both (presumably) love Jesus but are preaching opposing messages. So what are we to do? How are we to handle differences in opinion or perspectives - especially when these topics are close to our hearts and significant to salvation?
First, we must begin by setting Truth as the goal. We must aim at knowing and understanding the truth, and not just promoting our own perspective. No matter how fond you are of your perspective, or how important it seems to other beliefs, let truth be your goal. Take the hotly debated topic of evolution of the species. An initial reading of the Bible would likely lead you to hold a Young Earth perspective where God created the animals and then formed man from the dust. However, current science tells an opposing story of gradual change over vast amounts of time eventually leading to a variety of different species. If you are a scientist, or classroom teacher, or parent - let us examine what evidence we have and try to come with a coherent story that accounts for scientific theorizing, the story of creation, God’s actions in history, and the fossil record. Why don’t we often take the time to do this? Because it is HARD work! It is extremely difficult to look at the evidence and possibly have been wrong. The scientific and religious communities are so accustomed to ignoring one another that dialogue is awkward and we don’t know where to start. Science often is not open to examining the possibility of truth within religious claims and religion tends to ignore any science that is not in agreement with tradition. It is difficult to admit that some areas we don’t understand completely and might need to change our previously held interpretation (for both sides). Both sides cannot be completely right - and there was only one way that our world was made. Unfortunately, we don’t have an exact description of how this happened and it takes significant work to puzzle out what took place. However, we must be committed to seeking the Truth and being willing to adjust our lives as we come to understand truth more completely. Jesus said “I am the way, the Truth, and the Life; no one comes to the Father but through me” (John 14:6). If God not True, then there is little point in following him. The goals in our theological and philosophical discussions must be truth.
Second, we must identify what our goal is in having debates or promoting an opinion. In the world of social media, it is easy to become upset at a ‘Friend’s’ post and need to add your opinion. Some feel the need to defend their position at every turn while others like to push certain agendas. Some posts and comments are helpful, but others are just a form of self-promotion. I try and ask myself why I am writing something, and whether or not it will truly be beneficial to those who see it. While I do not always succeed, I want what I write to be an encouragement, promote the Kingdom of God, or help others seek Truth. If any of these objectives are not met, then I really shouldn’t be adding to a debate.
Next, I want to be very careful how I pick sides. The Bible speaks of us being in a spiritual battle, and this is just as applicable today as it was 2000 years ago (Eph 6:12). Our enemy wants us to be deceived and fight amongst ourselves. The more focused we are on proper styles of worship music, writing rules for how frequently a woman can speak, or the less time we will have to spend on loving others, seeking truth, and promoting justice. Let us first ask the question ‘Do we both love God with all our hearts?’ and let the conversation move from there. Once we both realize that we are on the same team, then the debate may progress to areas of disagreement, but we can at least have some point of agreement that may guide our struggle towards truth.
So let us continue to debate the proper way to express sexuality, women in ministry, doubt within faith, whether hell exists, how to deal with divorce, the inerrancy of Scripture, or what to do about sex trafficking. We need to debate these issues because our culture and God’s way of living will always be at odds (Jn 17:14); one promotes self and the other requires death to self (Eph 4:22). But let us do so in a manner that promotes truth and love. Let us remember that loving means saying what is hard, but in a way that respects the other person and promotes them to do good. We are going to have internal struggles as a Christian community, so let us strive to do so in a way that brings light and does not just inflict damage. Remember that our goal is God’s truth and not self-promotion.
On this blog I will write statements that you disagree with. I will probably make you angry, but hopefully I will make you think. Let’s agree to disagree in a way that makes us both better and doesn’t just try to make the other look bad. Let’s be encouraging in our disagreements and not just sweep them under the rug. I’m choosing to draw the dividing lines here: Truth and Lies - and trying to work my own beliefs towards truth.
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