Perhaps I have a mis-shapen soul, but I am afraid that my soul needs a bit of trouble. I'm not saying that I like discipline, hardship, or pain (quite the opposite), but I find that my heart wanders from God in the good times. These last couple of years have brought their fair share of trouble but in looking back I am thankful. I am thankful to be reminded of the goodness of the good in my life, and long for heaven when I see this world's brokenness. So in no particular order, I am thankful for these hard blessings.
1. Financial Difficulty. Right now we are loosing money on a monthly basis, and it is stressful. Our situation is a result of the choices that we have made, and I am grateful for the reminder that what we have comes from God. God will provide, and we can trust Him to take care of us. I am thankful that we haven't gone hungry, we have a warm and comfortable home, and that my husband has a good job.
2. Salah's Job. The assignment that Salah took on this year is very nontraditional and difficult. He teaches at a community day school, which is a step past the continuation school (read: kids in and out of juvy). According to what he says, the students often have difficult attitudes and struggle to learn, or even apply themselves. I really don't understand what this is like for him, but he often comes home tired and worn out. I am thankful for the reminder that parenting matters, and I am setting up Odin for the rest of his life. I am thankful that I was blessed to have a good home life and people who cared about me so that I didn't get into trouble. I am thankful that I have to rely on God to get us through this season.
3. A reminder to live a good life. Last year we took care of my grandpa, who is in failing health and has dementia. Since he doesn't remember much, it was very interesting to see where his mind went. He frequently told the same stories and reminisced about the good times. This is going to sound terrible, but he lived a fairly selfish life. He rarely talked about his children, was most proud of wrestling a bully in college, and did not speak about God. My family has a lot of drama right now, and while this is partially because of the choices that certain people have made in their own lives, it is also a result of the way my grandpa parented. It has been really difficult dealing with my family, but it has been a good reminder that I need to daily live my life to the fullest, looking to Jesus. When I come to the end of my life I really hope that I don't loose my mind, but if I do, then I want to re-tell kingdom building stories, pray repeatedly, and speak lovingly of my children. I prefer positive examples, but sometimes negative ones can be just as effective.
4. My Elimination Diet. For almost a year I have chosen to eliminate allergenic foods from my diet so that Odin wouldn't have reflux. For a while all I ate was turkey, pears, potatoes, and rice. I have slowly been able to add things back into my diet and at this point I don't eat dairy or chocolate and try not to each much wheat. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be very intentional about what I eat, and having to sacrifice for someone else. I now better understand fasting, and hope to continue this practice in the future. I have been able to re-experience food (which has been fun). I have learned what sacrifice feels like when the person doesn't understand what you are doing for them. I love you Odin, and am glad that I could lessen your tummy troubles!
5. Loneliness. We have really tried to keep Odin from getting sick (again) this last year. Fortunately, it has worked. Unfortunately, it often means that I don't get out much and have to limit our contact with others. We often have to cancel play dates because of sickness and avoid nursery like the plague. Some days are harder than others, but in general I am thankful for the opportunity to appreciate my friends more and rely on God when others aren't around.
6. Separation from Family. There are times that I hear others talk about their awesome parents, or are able to go on dates without having to find a babysitter and I am very jealous. But I am thankful that I have family to miss, and that my relationship with my mom is such that I wish she was around. Hopefully things will change, but until then, I am glad that I can develop other friends.
7. Being Tired. These days I am tired most of the time (and no, I'm not pregnant again!). I'm tired because I have an awesome, but very crazy/energetic, one year old who NEVER STOPS. I am thankful that he is part of my life, even if it means less energy.
8. Chores. A mother's life is always full of never ending laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, and cleaning. Some days I hate it, but I am learning to appreciate it. I am thankful that we have a house to clean, food to prepare, and a baby who dirties clothes. My life is full, even if it is partially full of monotony. I am blessed.
9. Odin's Rough Year. I know I keep talking about it, but Odin's sickness really scared us this past year. People say that babies' personalities start very young, but Odin was so different as a baby. At first, I just thought he was very even tempered and quiet, but really he was just super sick. I am thankful that this time is over, that it made me realize how fragile life is, for restoring relationships, and pushing me to rely on God.
10. Distractions. I feel like my life is full of them, but I am learning that the distractions put things into focus, emphasize what is important, and make me take my life one moment at a time.
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