Baking Lessons

My latest obsession is bread. I LOVE bread. I love making it, finding new recipes, sharing it with friends and especially eating it. The entire process is just fun. A friend tipped me off to this great 'program' called "Artisan bread in 5 minutes a day" which is the easiest way ever to make bread. You simply pre-mix 2 weeks worth of dough, store it in the refrigerator, and shape/bake it when you want. It is so easy but amazing. I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves bread (but certainly not to anyone watching carb intake!!).

One of the fun things about a new (or re-discovered) hobby is that it reveals so much about you. As fun as bread-making has been, I have learned that I have some character shaping to do. As easy as this bread process is, it takes quite a bit of time once you decide to make a loaf. From start to finish takes around an hour and a half (but only 5 minutes or so is active time, so I can do other stuff in the mean time). However, this wait time has shown me how inflexible I have become in my schedule. I will have just shaped a loaf and Salah will want to go do something fun with me. My automatic response (which I often try NOT to say aloud) is 'how dare he try to impose on my schedule and not value the amazing thing I am doing right now.' Quite frankly, this is ridiculous. I should be grateful that I have a husband who wants to spend time with me and values doing things with me, but instead I am frustrated he didn't check with my plans before coming up with a great idea. Second, I am becoming much too picky for my own good. I have my ideas on how the bread should be sliced, when it should be eaten, and what makes the best toppings. When others enjoy the bread (that I made to be enjoyed by others and certainly not to be eaten entirely by me) I become bitter they do not automatically know my way of doing things. Finally, I really need to relax and enjoy the process instead of being worried something will not turn out right. Since this is a new endeavor of mine, I have made a couple mistakes in the bread. One loaf fell flat, another was underbaked, and instead of making pita I somehow re-created stale communion bread. None of these are a big deal, no one cared but me. However, after each incident happened I was frustrated with myself and it took me a while to try again to make it right. I need to learn to adjust, accept my mistakes, and the move on.

All in all, I have loved this new adventure, but I am not sure what to do about the character weaknesses it has brought to the surface. Instead of being inflexible, stuck in my ways, and frustrated at mistakes I want to be gracious, generous, and adventurous (which really requires me not to take myself so seriously). I am grateful that this new adventure has brought me so many learning experiences, but am not sure how to adjust the ways that I need to. I am so glad that life is a process of growth and no one (except maybe me) expects me to change overnight. Jesus referred to yeast in a couple of his parables. He said the Kingdom is like yeast that works its way through the entire batch of dough, but he also warned against the 'yeasty' teachings of the Pharisees. I want have a soul marked by the yeast of the Kingdom and not that of self-righteousness.

One step at a time

A life-lesson I've been learning lately is to take people where they are.  We are all at different stages of life, levels of growth, and have different areas of strength.  It is often so easy to want to come into a new situation and want to help others make changes for the better.  I meet someone and want to encourage them to make a change that would help them for the better. I see a better way to load the dishwasher, for Salah to be a better driver, or for my friend to be better at calling me back in a timely manner.  But often when I push my way on others, it is not helpful and causes tension in the friendship.  I need to learn the balance of accepting friends for who they are, quirks and all, and being able to share honest feedback when the time is right.  Too often I push what I think is best on people (even if it is only in my own mind that I do the correcting) and do not appreciate them for who they are.  I often forget the power of acceptance and love.  I have been reminded of the power of simply being a friend and taking someone for who they are.  

This week we watched the movie The Sololist and it was very interesting.  In the movie Robert Downey Jr. is a writer for the LA Times and meets a homeless musician (Jaime Fox).  The reporter wants to help the musician change his life and help him off of the streets.  The reporter does everything he can to get the musician chances to play music in Disney Hall, rent a room, and move him off of Skid Row.  However, the musician struggles with mental illness and does not want to be 'trapped' indoors, he wants to live on the streets.  The movie ends powerfully with the reporter learning about the value of friendship.  He stops trying to fix the musician's life and respects him as a  friend.  The reporter accepts the musician and the life he has chosen so that the two can move forward in a real friendship.  As the reporter stops trying to change the musician, the two are able to become close and enjoy the simple joys of being friends.  

It is easy for me to forget the power of acceptance in a friendship.  I want to be honest in my relationships, but I sometimes take this to the extreme of expecting friendships to become self-help groups.  I have been learning that friendship is a balance between acceptance and challenge.  Honesty can only really be accepted when it comes from a relationship of trust and grace.  I want to become a person who shares grace with everyone, and I so I must learn to see others as creations of God in progress.  We are all growing (and I certainly include myself in that group), and growth is not something that can be easily hurried.  Grace takes people for who they are, sees the potential in others, and does not force.  Grace is the area that I am growing in, so bear with me as I learn to take one step at a time both for myself and for others.

Theologian v. Philosopher

Today I had a discussion with a friend that I respect and it completely threw me off.  We were talking about the relationship between theology and philosophy (as academic disciplines and as classes).  She, like many other theologians at school, does not appreciate when philosophy students bring up their 'issues' in theology classes.  Part of me can understand this; before I started doing philosophy I didn't understand philosophical questions and found them to be unnecessary and uninteresting.  However, now that I have gained a deep appreciation for philosophy I understand the importance of these questions.

My friend said that there is something good about keeping the disciplines separate and that it is good to have some theology classes without philosophical questions.  When I first heard this I was rather hurt.  I was actually surprised at how much this stung and frustrated me.  But then I began thinking... It seemed as though she thought we make too many categories and distinctions when studying the Bible so that we are distracted from the original writings (in which she emphasized their narrative quality).  

It seems to me that she is right in a way, but is wrong in another.  She is right that we do not always need to categorize and literature can be looked at in its own right without being analyzed.  One can appreciate the beauty of the Psalms and worship God in doing this without doing analytic philosophy.  Indeed, it is good to work hard at hermeneutics and discover what the original authors were saying.  We must understand the flow of the text before we can systematize it.  So in this way, I think my friend is right to say that theology can be done without philosophy (although this is probably closer to biblical theology or hermeneutics).  

However, my friend's claim that the disciplines should be distinct is itself a philosophical question.  So it seems that she does not understand the wide range of philosophy.  My husband defines philosophy as 'thinking great thoughts about great things' and this seems like a good way to think about it.  Philosophy is a second-order discipline that examines what things are, how things should be done, what we should do, and how we can know things.  It seems that systematic theology is always philosophical, but it limits itself as it typically only uses the Bible and a certain type of reason to make its conclusions.  If this is the case then there is no reason I can see that we should not accept philosophy as part of theology.  Coherence is an important aspect of truth that must not be ignored when a theologian is drawing big picture conclusions.  I am very comfortable with a theologian drawing a conclusion of mystery like 'Paul say x about salvation and James teaches y, so I do not know what the complete and unified picture is.'  However, this is using philosophy!  Because of this I see no need to make a sharp distinction between theology and philosophy.

Theology and philosophy need each other.  If one tries to do philosophy without consulting theology, then one has missed out on a significant way to justify knowledge and will likely come up with the wrong conclusions.  It is not enough to simply think in a certain style and come up with the right conclusions; one must use all of the appropriate sources (which certainly includes the Bible).  However, theology also needs philosophy.  Philosophy brings clarity, detail, coherence, and sources from general revelation to the mix.  If a theologian ignores analytic philosophy then he will likely come up with incoherent thoughts that will lack complete truth.  At least some laymembers of the church will pick up on these inconsistencies and so being philosophical in theology is important so that one may avoid stumbling blocks for some people.

My friend's final complaint about philosophy was its arrogance; philosophers tend to see themselves as dominant over the other disciplines.  I can certainly see where she is coming from.  But is she right?  Part of the answer seems to be in how this is done.  One must approach second-order judgments over another discipline with great care and humility.  To have effective thought about another discipline one must know that other discipline well.  Philosophers (including myself) need to be careful about the claims they are making over the other disciplines.  It is not the job of the philosopher to do all of the 'field work' (which likely includes translation, hermeneutics, and biblical theology) but to guide the evaluations (including systematic theology).  However, philosophy can guide theology and other disciplines in being clear and coherent.  I am reminded of Paul's exhortation to the church being a whole body so that all parts are necessary and needed (1 Cor 12).  The church can be lifted up by both the theologian and the philosopher when they serve Christ with humility.

Growing Belief

I am entering a rather reflective time so I thought I would share some of my thoughts.  I have been reminded of the need to 'upkeep' my mind; I need to continually be aware of my thought life and intentionally build important beliefs.  As I say this, some of you may be thinking of intentionally refraining from certain temptations and while I think this is a positive action, it is not the only intentional action we need to take toward our thoughts.  It is very easy for me to not be conscious of what God is doing in and around me, which generally leads me to discouragement.  I think God is not at work, that evil is ruling, and that I will never improve in certain areas I struggle with.  While there certainly are bleak areas of life, this need not be my only attitude.  When I am around certain people, I am uplifted and encouraged by God's continual action.  I see their faith in God's active hand and am amazed.  While Scripture speaks of faith as a gift, it also seems to be something that is cultivated.  If someone surrounds herself with people who regularly and believably experience God, her faith will naturally grow.  In this specific area I see two areas of growth for my own life.  First, I need to me more intentional about surrounding myself with God's people so that my belief in Him will be strengthened (and be very intentional about my beliefs when I come across opposition).  Second, I want to be intentional about becoming a person who grows the faith of others.  When I speak to my good friends (to whom it would not be off-putting to talk about the things of God) I want to talk to them about God so we can mutually encourage one another.  I have formed poor habits in this regard as I have become complacent about reminding myself and those I care about that God is good.  

Beliefs are often seen as a thing that a person has or does not have (all or nothing).  However, this degreed view of beliefs (in which a person can increase or decrease his belief in a certain proposition) seems to be more accurate.  I want to make sure that I understand who I am and how I am structured so that I can pursue the good in myself and exhort others to do the same.  

Painful Thoughts

I was told something recently that hurt more than I expected it to.  A person who is family but that I have never been close to told me that he sees what I am doing as useless.  We (I'll call him Dave as a reference even though this isn't his name) were talking about my schooling and he absolutely shocked me.  Just as I am finishing my master's in philosophy (after an M.A. in theology) he told me that I wasted my time studying.  At first my attitude was like 'whatever, you can think what you want and be wrong.'  But upon further reflection, I'm having a really hard time with his comments.  I have worked very hard in my program and do see them as extremely valuable, perhaps the best experience I have had so far in my life.  So to be told that Dave thinks I am wasting my time cuts like a knife.  I went on to ask him what he thought would be useful to do in life and he gave some generic answer like 'help others and serve God.'  This answer continued to sting because it indicates how little he understands what I am doing.  My whole purpose (at least at this point... maybe not on the beginning) of studying philosophy and theology is so that I can understand (and then love and serve) God better and then be able to pass this knowledge onto others.  Granted it is not feeding the homeless or smuggling Bibles into wherever, but I want to be part of the battle for minds and hearts against the Devil's stronghold of naturalism.  I want to help people understand the importance of thoughts and beliefs and their great impact on actions.  While I may have experienced a small taste of the ivory tower, I really want to hit the ground running and truly make an impact.  Perhaps this is the heart of the problem; if I cannot get Dave to understand what I am doing, is there any way that I will be effective to a broader audience?  Is this an indication that I am doomed to fail?  Or should this exactly be the motivation to help others understand how important ideas are?  How do I move from hurt and frustration to compassion and determination?  

Lord God, please help me understand the path that you have for me and give me the courage to live a flourishing life that serves the kingdom.  I am so grateful that I do not have to walk this path alone but that you are with me every step of the way and know what the future holds.  I am grateful that God uses small instruments like me for his glory in ways that he knows is best.  I'm having a hard time, but I'm still trusting.

The Emotions of Truth

I have a friend - a pretty good one too - who has worked herself into quite a pickle.  A relationship she was in went sour and she was hurt in several ways.  Many of her friends say that the situation will not get better (at least from the other person's actions changing) but she refuses to believe this.  

This is so hard for me.  I have been taught that what one believes influences her actions - and this makes perfect sense to me.  I drink water because I believe I am thirsty and believe that drinking water will quench my thirst.  I write papers because I believe it will help me get good grades which will help me get a job one day.  The second component that I've learned is that what we know is formed from what we believe and good justification (meaning reasons or evidence for a belief).  I have good reasons (justification) to believe many things including that the sky is blue, I am a thinking being, and that the sun will rise tomorrow.  However, my friend's belief that things will get better in this relationship is based purely on hope that it will get better and fear of the consequences if things do not get better.  She has very good reasons to believe that the situation actually is bleak and this evidence has been confirmed multiple times in multiple ways.  It is blatantly clear to myself and other friends what will happen - and we have not met the other party involved.  

I truly wish good things for my friend - I want her to do what is right and to be in a good situation.  Normally I would try to convince her to change her behavior by way of changing her beliefs.  But how can I change my friend's beliefs if they are based on emotions and directly contradictory to the evidence?  Philosophy has been very helpful, but fails to help here.  

I have spent many hours pondering what is true, but what is good and right to do when the truth hurts?  And what does one do if reason is ignored?  Perhaps this is no longer a philosophic question and I am trying to fit everything into the wonderful (and very large) box of philosophy that I am exploring at the moment.  Perhaps this is an issue for the counselor, psychologist, or even pastor.  It very likely is the case that speaking to my friend in this philosophic talk would be of no benefit to either of us and aside from loving her as she is the best thing I can do for her is pray.

When I step back from the situation it does remind be about an interesting facet of epistemology.  Knowledge is said to be justified true belief, but can I really say that my friend does not know that in the end she will be deeply hurt from this relationship?  Is it actually possible for a person to bluntly believe a falsehood with much evidence staring her in the face?  (Perhaps she merely refuses to acknowledge truth but still knows it, but if not there is something to be said about this).  If she truly does not know she will be hurt, then humans have an amazing capacity for hope, fear, and other emotions to strongly influence them.  I find this truly fascinating.  Free will may be such that one can choose to believe something completely irrational.  What does this say about the soul?  Did this ability to believe something contrary to evidence happen as a result of the fall or were we created in such a way that the will can overpower the mind?  (Maybe this is how someone could believe that a = -a as they do in some Eastern religions, which seems completely incomprehensible to me).  Did this happen so that we could believe in the goodness of God despite much evil in the world (and then some people misuse this ability for wrong purposes)?  Either way, it strikes me that souls are complex substances that need to be given serious credit.  Most unfortunately, the naturalism that permeates our society pulls many Christians away from these thoughts so that we no longer understand what we are and what the implications of our nature are.  I want to recognize the depth of the soul so that I may (as I walk in the Spirit) be properly ordered and reflect the goodness of my Creator.  I want to recognize the complexity of beliefs, knowledge, and emotion so that I do not ignore one aspect of who I am as I pursue truth.  I never want to be one that works in vain because I missed an important aspect of being human.  Help me Lord Jesus.

Ending

I've been in school a long time.  I started (like most other people) when I was 5 in kindergarten so I've spent a total of 20 years in school... all of my life that I can remember.  So since I'm graduating in May, a short 9 weeks from now, I will be facing one of the biggest changes in my life.  Granted, things did change quite a bit the summer I got married, moved from small-town Lewiston to Los Angeles, and changed majors... but that felt quite a bit different.  I was (obviously) excited to get married and start my new adventure.  I knew what I was going to do next, or at least I thought I knew how my life was changing.  But this time, as I am leaving my 'profession' and starting something new, I'm not sure how I will be filling my time.  Granted, I plan on continuing to substitute teach and I will try to write, but I have no idea what this will look like exactly.  There are so many questions and so few answers (and that's just about what I will be doing, not what Salah will be doing or where we will be living or how we will deal with all of life's changes).  I REALLY don't do will with a lot of down time, I really appreciate having something do do.  So needless to say I've been a little stressed lately.

Most unfortunately, this stress has made it difficult for me to focus on school.  I have a paper due each week till the end and I simply cannot find the motivation to do my best (or sometimes even work on school stuff at all).  I am quite puzzled by this phenomenon I am experiencing and probably feeding.  Up till now I absolutely loved what I was doing, I felt as though I could stay in school forever.  I spent time pondering whether I should go onto my doctorate and almost mourned when I decided it wasn't the best option for me at the time.  I thrived on stretching myself to do my best at school even though philosophy does not always come naturally to me (I think in very different ways than my classmates).  Why the change?  Part of it is that I'm taking an independent study that is VERY challenging and I am not doing as well as I hoped.  I've gotten myself all flustered and been hard on myself for doing worse than expected.  So now I feel as though I am in the place that I did not want to be, I fear that I am not finishing well.

I've worked so hard till now that I don't want to waste my last few weeks of amazing opportunities.  Because I didn't expect to hit 'senioritis' I didn't prepare for it.  But now that I'm here I must keep fighting.  I am learning to find the balance between pushing myself to do the work that needs to be done and letting myself take a break (not expecting the world of myself).  The whole balance thing (and letting go) is not something that I typically do well.  Although I suppose it is something that only comes with time and experience.  Letting go is particularly difficult when I don't know what's next.  When I start to worry about it, the only thing I can do is be reminded of God's continued faithfulness.  I've been in situations much worse than this but God was faithful then.  I want to do all that I can but also rest in God's promises.  My studies have taught me that terrible things can still happen to me... those faithfully following God have been killed, tortured, starved, and brutalized, but they have also succeeded and gone on to do great things for the kingdom.  I want to be faithful with what I have been given, I don't want to sell myself short, but faithfulness is all that I need to aim for.