Ending

I've been in school a long time.  I started (like most other people) when I was 5 in kindergarten so I've spent a total of 20 years in school... all of my life that I can remember.  So since I'm graduating in May, a short 9 weeks from now, I will be facing one of the biggest changes in my life.  Granted, things did change quite a bit the summer I got married, moved from small-town Lewiston to Los Angeles, and changed majors... but that felt quite a bit different.  I was (obviously) excited to get married and start my new adventure.  I knew what I was going to do next, or at least I thought I knew how my life was changing.  But this time, as I am leaving my 'profession' and starting something new, I'm not sure how I will be filling my time.  Granted, I plan on continuing to substitute teach and I will try to write, but I have no idea what this will look like exactly.  There are so many questions and so few answers (and that's just about what I will be doing, not what Salah will be doing or where we will be living or how we will deal with all of life's changes).  I REALLY don't do will with a lot of down time, I really appreciate having something do do.  So needless to say I've been a little stressed lately.

Most unfortunately, this stress has made it difficult for me to focus on school.  I have a paper due each week till the end and I simply cannot find the motivation to do my best (or sometimes even work on school stuff at all).  I am quite puzzled by this phenomenon I am experiencing and probably feeding.  Up till now I absolutely loved what I was doing, I felt as though I could stay in school forever.  I spent time pondering whether I should go onto my doctorate and almost mourned when I decided it wasn't the best option for me at the time.  I thrived on stretching myself to do my best at school even though philosophy does not always come naturally to me (I think in very different ways than my classmates).  Why the change?  Part of it is that I'm taking an independent study that is VERY challenging and I am not doing as well as I hoped.  I've gotten myself all flustered and been hard on myself for doing worse than expected.  So now I feel as though I am in the place that I did not want to be, I fear that I am not finishing well.

I've worked so hard till now that I don't want to waste my last few weeks of amazing opportunities.  Because I didn't expect to hit 'senioritis' I didn't prepare for it.  But now that I'm here I must keep fighting.  I am learning to find the balance between pushing myself to do the work that needs to be done and letting myself take a break (not expecting the world of myself).  The whole balance thing (and letting go) is not something that I typically do well.  Although I suppose it is something that only comes with time and experience.  Letting go is particularly difficult when I don't know what's next.  When I start to worry about it, the only thing I can do is be reminded of God's continued faithfulness.  I've been in situations much worse than this but God was faithful then.  I want to do all that I can but also rest in God's promises.  My studies have taught me that terrible things can still happen to me... those faithfully following God have been killed, tortured, starved, and brutalized, but they have also succeeded and gone on to do great things for the kingdom.  I want to be faithful with what I have been given, I don't want to sell myself short, but faithfulness is all that I need to aim for.