Money, money

Money. What a tough subject. We are not supposed to talk about it, particularly as Christians - and yet it so often is what my thoughts (and emotions) dwell upon.

Since we moved from Southern California to Boise, we took a significant pay cut. Simple luxuries (like eating out) suddenly seem too much - and I often find myself stressed about money. I try and pretend like I'm not - because I feel like I shouldn't worry about something so worldly - but I do. I struggle with being generous and have to bite my tongue when my husband buys something that isn't on sale (although if it is something that I want suddenly it's not such a big deal).

We are slowly draining our savings and I was randomly thinking about what the Bible has to say about wealth. I kept wanting to think of some verse that said "Work hard and I will bless you with a stable income" or "Acquire as much wealth as you can even if it means being ungenerous" or "Having money will make you more effective in the kingdom of God" - but of course, none of these verses came to mind because they are American thoughts and not the thoughts of God. Instead I thought of the parable of the Rich fool (Luke 12:13-21) where a man takes in a big harvest, builds a new barn planning to rest in his amassed wealth, and then dies. The story ends by saying "This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God." Apparently a healthy 401k is not as important to God as I wish it was.

I think that I have fallen into the trap (or lie) that money really is important. I like to say that God is the most important aspect of my life, but the truth is that I think more of money than I do of God. And this seems to be idolatry. Not a fun sin to confess or admit to struggling with.

As I was trying thinking of some loop hole, I saw with fresh eyes a decoration on my wall - the fruit of the Spirit.
Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-Control.
And somehow none of these related to collecting wealth. If I am loving others, then I will not be focused on my own gain. Collecting money does not lead to joy or peace but stress and fear. As Jesus once said, we really can't serve God and money (Luke 16:13). I have been trying to for so long and finally realized that I am playing a loosing game. Serving money is all about me, my own, and what I can get/steal/sneak/hide. Serving God is about giving of myself, loving freely, and generously giving with a thankful heart.

And so I confess to God (and the Internet in general because no one reads this) that I'm done. By the grace of God, I do not want to serve money. I pray that God would change my heart and I really would want to give to others rather than gaining digits in my bank account. I would rather worry about showing love to hurting people than using the maximum number of coupons. But I know this will take time and the grace of God. God absolutely can change hearts, but the transformation rarely happens instantaneously. So I pray that God can take my idolatrous heart, and soften it so that it may fit through the eye of a needle.