30

So... I'm 30.

And when I was a teenager, I was convinced that by 30 I was going to have my stuff together. I say 'stuff' because there is no way that my 15 year old self would have ever sworn because I am/was a CHRISTIAN and God does not allow for any swearing. (but I digress.) I have the distinct memory of being in a small group listening to prayer requests and being baffled that the adults had so many problems. They had been Christians for a long time, yet they still couldn't get over themselves and had petty problems. I was not going to be like that. By the time I turned 30, I would have my problems ironed out and I would live and effective life inspiring other for Christ.
That's not exactly how my life turned out. I don't have my shit together.
I remember reconnecting with an old friend when I was pregnant. We met for lunch and she brought her four year old along with her. As we talked, she would take breaks in the conversation to correct her son who (much to my shock) did not sit still and "misbehaved" by not coloring quietly for the whole lunch. My son would not act like this. He would be a good four year old and listen to his mother. HA!
There comes a time in all of our lives when we compare our expectations to reality. By 30, we *should* be able to keep our houses clean... but my husband is regularly frustrated by the regular mess and lack of vacuuming/dusting/clean toilets (and so am I when I'm honest). By 30, we should have figured out what we want to do 'when we grow up' ... but I sit with 2 masters degrees wondering when I will get to use my knowledge. By 30, we should have a solid community of friends who will support us in the good and bad times... but I'm not sure I even have a best friend much less a community of support.
So I have come to realize that I had great expectations for my life and my 'results' are underwhelming. There is always more to do, several habits to change or add, and character to develop within myself. When I think about what I expected my life to be like at 30 a decade ago, there is very little comparison. In some ways, I am far more blessed that I thought I ever could be. God has blessed me with an amazing husband, a vivacious and good son, a quality education, and an amazing home. Other aspects of my life are simply different than I had imagined; I do not work in an orphanage in an exotic land but I am a soon-to-be foster mom. I never had a serious career but I was able to deepen my relationship with God through a formal education. However, I think the areas of greatest disappointment come back to character issues. My extended family and I have parted ways and I can't see a resolution to the matter. I have come to dislike church culture so that I have a hard time finding a community to be part of. My heart often fails to break for the hurt around me and I turn a blind eye more often than Jesus' would have.
So what am I to do? When I finally admit to myself that I am not who I want to be or who I expected I would be, where do I go from here? What do I do with this gap?
From what I can see, I have several options. I can ignore the gap, I can keep trying harder, or I can ask for help.
I know that I can only live an abundant, flourishing life through God. So many different ideas and verses reflect the idea of getting our spiritual daily sustenance from God: the vine and the branches, abiding in Christ, or walking in the Spirit. I know that I cannot do this through my own power, but only through Christ who strengthens me and with the help of the Spirit. I know that Christianity doesn't have any 'secret knowledge' or special means of getting to this place, but still I feel like I am missing something important.
On the days that I just can't seem to shake my bad attitude, continually yell at my two year old, complain about the people who love me, and am generally nasty (all while trying to convince myself that I'm just hungry or tired or SOMETHING external is wrong...) I try and pray. I know that God can change my hard, angry heart - but I also know that He often uses the journey to truly change me rather than just wave away my bad attitude. I just wish that I knew how to maintain this connection to God. It feels like everything I try is within my own power and strength.
And so even following God is not how I expected it to be. I recognize that God works in ways that we do not understand. On my wall, I have a quote written by J.P. Moreland saying "God maintains a delicate balance between keeping His existence sufficiently evidence so people will know He's there and yet hiding His presence enough so that people who want to choose to ignore Him can do it. This way, their choice of destiny is really free." And I think perhaps that this not only applies to God's existence but also His presence and growth in our lives. God often moves slowly so that the change is real and permanent. One simple prayer of 'Help me change my bad attitude' will not wipe away the habits of selfishness that I have stored up in my heart. God wants me to truly choose Him rather than just wish He was there in the frustrating moments.
As with most things in the Christian life, closing the sanctification gap (or different between who I know I am called to be and the reality of my heart) is a paradox and an partnership. God (usually) will not instantly change my heart but I cannot change my heart on my own. We work together. I have no idea why God works this way in the world - it seems rather inefficient to me - but then again I am not God. Perhaps I miss the bigger picture of me falling in love with God and learning to work with Him. Perhaps the idea is more of two lovers learning to walk in step with one another than a parent teaching her child to walk. God has designed so that we work with Him in the process of becoming like Jesus as we realize how truly wonderful He is. Perhaps my focus this decade should be to spend more time gazing into the heart of my Savior than trying to grow up and walk independently of my parent. Such a simple truth - that I must spend time with God to know and love Him - but one that I regularly forget/ignore.
So here I am ... 30 ... and struggling with the sanctification gap. But I am grateful that I am not alone on this journey.