In the middle

When I was little, I had my life completely planned out. I was going to go to college, meet the man of my dreams, and get married the summer after I graduated. Then I might work for a year or two before having kids. I was going to have 2 or 4 kids and enjoy being a mom. I would of course live in Idaho around my family. Naturally I would keep in touch with my friends from high school and college, as well as going to the same church that I grew up in. My planned life was going to be a natural continuation of the life that I had at the time. It was going to be good. I would fight with my husband every now and then (because that's what every couple does)... we wouldn't completely understand each other but we would always be madly in love. This would be ok because I would always have my girlfriends to confide in, and together we could make it through anything.
For better or for worse, my life is nothing like this. I married a guy in the middle of college, went on for two master's degrees, and now have no idea what will happen as far as a career goes. I think it would be an amazing opportunity to teach, but am not sure that I will be able to find a position. I currently don't live anywhere near my family... who has generally spread out, just like my friends and the church I grew up in. There is no life to go back to even if we did move to Boise. My husband and I get along better than I thought possible; if there are such things as soul-mates, we are a pair. But I have changed and moved at pivotal times that I don't have the close girlfriends I anticipated. Life is good, but certainly not as I expected.
Salah and I went to Portland to check it out and realized that it wasn't the place for us. I had a picture of what it would be like and it was very different. We're pretty sure that it's not the place that we want to put down roots and stay in long term. It was nice that the decision was very clear and we were both on the same page. But now it is really hard to decide where to go from here. I never expected this. I didn't expect to be almost a year out from my masters and still not have a full time job. I didn't expect to wait so long to have kids, and still not be sure when the best time to start that is. I'm not sure what to do when I have somewhat competing interests. I didn't expect so much uncertantity, but that seems to be reality.
I want to live life that is well thought out and intentional, but I'm realizing that hearing about it in graduate school and putting it into practice are two different things. I want to learn to be good to others, but sometimes being good feels very close to enabling. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I know that no matter how hard and frustrating things can seem in the moment, my life is really blessed. It's not what I expected, but I'm glad.

Late night thoughts

Life for me is in a phase of transition. For a while now Salah and I have both wanted to move out of the area, but that is much easier said than done. We are tired of LA's hectic life schedules, and never feeling like we can really breathe... in more ways than one. We've tossed around several ideas of where we want to go and are currently thinking of Portland, Denver, or Boise. Over spring break we are going to visit a friend in the Portland area to check it out. I'm really hoping we like it there.

But this time has not been easy for me. For those of you who know me, you realize how much I love to be in the know and in control. I like to be able to make decisions based on good reasons and plan ahead. Normally this is a good thing, but lately I have had to learn the art of patience. There simply isn't much that I can do to plan ahead right now (or for the past several months...). I have already looked at some jobs in the area and turned in a resume. We've scoped out houses in the area and they almost make me drool (who knew that you could buy something with a couple acres, a barn, and 3 bedrooms for less than the price of an LA condo?). Even the weather cooperated with an "extended" period of rain, and I actually liked it. So at this point, I've done most everything that I can. While I try to wait patiently, sometimes I get restless.

This restlessness has sent me into a couple periods of introspection. At this point, my mind is regularly wandering toward the future. I think about where we will live, where we will work, who will be our new friends, and what the other next steps are. At other times in my life, I have lived in the past. I would regularly think of those wonderful days and try to find ways to bring them back. What I do not regularly do is live in the present. It is hard for me to embrace the moment. Embrace that the sink is yet again filled with dirty dishes, appreciate the tough home situation of the kid giving me attitude in class, and actually sit back and enjoy the simple things in life like the sunset. Those little moments in life seem to be the ones that shape who we are, yet those are the ones that I push aside in my mind for what was or what I hope will be. I want to learn to take what I can from the past, be wise about the future, but live fully.

I know, I know... this is rather trite. Living in the moment or taking life one day at a time is certainly not a new idea. But as I get older (*sarcastic cough*) I am starting to appreciate the wisdom behind cliches. Certainly I am looking forward to the time when we move to a place that makes it easier to slow down. But I realize that living life intentionally and enjoying the moment is a regular choice. Even if we end up staying in LA for the rest of our lives, I can choose to mentally be where I am. It is my choice to take life as a gift, or resist everything that comes at me.

Dawkins on God

I finally read something Dawkins said that I agree with. Here it is:

Now, there is a certain class of sophisticated modern theologian who will say something like this: "Good heavens, of course we are not so naive or simplistic as to care whether God exists. Existence is such a 19th-century preoccupation! It doesn't matter whether God exists in a scientific sense. What matters is whether he exists for you or for me. If God is real for you, who cares whether science has made him redundant? Such arrogance! Such elitism."

Well, if that's what floats your canoe, you'll be paddling it up a very lonely creek. The mainstream belief of the world's peoples is very clear. They believe in God, and that means they believe he exists in objective reality, just as surely as the Rock of Gibraltar exists. If sophisticated theologians or postmodern relativists think they are rescuing God from the redundancy scrap-heap by downplaying the importance of existence, they should think again. Tell the congregation of a church or mosque that existence is too vulgar an attribute to fasten onto their God, and they will brand you an atheist. They'll be right.

The full article (which is terribly sad) can be read at http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970203440104574405030643556324.html

It is nice to see that Dawkins said something that I agree with, since he has been such a strong opponent of God and Christianity. Now he has not let up at all, instead this article details how evolution has left us with a God who has nothing to do - largely because he cannot exist.

Reading this article did two things to me: it made me sad and grateful. I am saddened that our search for knowledge and truth has lead some people to very dark and lonely places. I simply cannot imagine living life where compiled quarks are all that exist. I have no idea how one could function in such a world.

However, this article (about science leaving us with little room for God) has made me humbly gracious. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to study so that I am confident that God exists. I believe that no matter what new scientific evidence, terrible circumstance, or deep absence of God's felt presence may come my way - that God will still exist. I am deeply convinced of this truth. Even though I still have difficult questions about the correlation of Genesis and evolution, I know that belief in the God of the Bible is more rational than disbelief. I am left sitting humbly at the feet of my Heavenly Father and thanking him not only for his love, but a deep and justified knowledge of his existence and gracious presence in my life. Thank you Jesus!

Baking Lessons

My latest obsession is bread. I LOVE bread. I love making it, finding new recipes, sharing it with friends and especially eating it. The entire process is just fun. A friend tipped me off to this great 'program' called "Artisan bread in 5 minutes a day" which is the easiest way ever to make bread. You simply pre-mix 2 weeks worth of dough, store it in the refrigerator, and shape/bake it when you want. It is so easy but amazing. I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves bread (but certainly not to anyone watching carb intake!!).

One of the fun things about a new (or re-discovered) hobby is that it reveals so much about you. As fun as bread-making has been, I have learned that I have some character shaping to do. As easy as this bread process is, it takes quite a bit of time once you decide to make a loaf. From start to finish takes around an hour and a half (but only 5 minutes or so is active time, so I can do other stuff in the mean time). However, this wait time has shown me how inflexible I have become in my schedule. I will have just shaped a loaf and Salah will want to go do something fun with me. My automatic response (which I often try NOT to say aloud) is 'how dare he try to impose on my schedule and not value the amazing thing I am doing right now.' Quite frankly, this is ridiculous. I should be grateful that I have a husband who wants to spend time with me and values doing things with me, but instead I am frustrated he didn't check with my plans before coming up with a great idea. Second, I am becoming much too picky for my own good. I have my ideas on how the bread should be sliced, when it should be eaten, and what makes the best toppings. When others enjoy the bread (that I made to be enjoyed by others and certainly not to be eaten entirely by me) I become bitter they do not automatically know my way of doing things. Finally, I really need to relax and enjoy the process instead of being worried something will not turn out right. Since this is a new endeavor of mine, I have made a couple mistakes in the bread. One loaf fell flat, another was underbaked, and instead of making pita I somehow re-created stale communion bread. None of these are a big deal, no one cared but me. However, after each incident happened I was frustrated with myself and it took me a while to try again to make it right. I need to learn to adjust, accept my mistakes, and the move on.

All in all, I have loved this new adventure, but I am not sure what to do about the character weaknesses it has brought to the surface. Instead of being inflexible, stuck in my ways, and frustrated at mistakes I want to be gracious, generous, and adventurous (which really requires me not to take myself so seriously). I am grateful that this new adventure has brought me so many learning experiences, but am not sure how to adjust the ways that I need to. I am so glad that life is a process of growth and no one (except maybe me) expects me to change overnight. Jesus referred to yeast in a couple of his parables. He said the Kingdom is like yeast that works its way through the entire batch of dough, but he also warned against the 'yeasty' teachings of the Pharisees. I want have a soul marked by the yeast of the Kingdom and not that of self-righteousness.

One step at a time

A life-lesson I've been learning lately is to take people where they are.  We are all at different stages of life, levels of growth, and have different areas of strength.  It is often so easy to want to come into a new situation and want to help others make changes for the better.  I meet someone and want to encourage them to make a change that would help them for the better. I see a better way to load the dishwasher, for Salah to be a better driver, or for my friend to be better at calling me back in a timely manner.  But often when I push my way on others, it is not helpful and causes tension in the friendship.  I need to learn the balance of accepting friends for who they are, quirks and all, and being able to share honest feedback when the time is right.  Too often I push what I think is best on people (even if it is only in my own mind that I do the correcting) and do not appreciate them for who they are.  I often forget the power of acceptance and love.  I have been reminded of the power of simply being a friend and taking someone for who they are.  

This week we watched the movie The Sololist and it was very interesting.  In the movie Robert Downey Jr. is a writer for the LA Times and meets a homeless musician (Jaime Fox).  The reporter wants to help the musician change his life and help him off of the streets.  The reporter does everything he can to get the musician chances to play music in Disney Hall, rent a room, and move him off of Skid Row.  However, the musician struggles with mental illness and does not want to be 'trapped' indoors, he wants to live on the streets.  The movie ends powerfully with the reporter learning about the value of friendship.  He stops trying to fix the musician's life and respects him as a  friend.  The reporter accepts the musician and the life he has chosen so that the two can move forward in a real friendship.  As the reporter stops trying to change the musician, the two are able to become close and enjoy the simple joys of being friends.  

It is easy for me to forget the power of acceptance in a friendship.  I want to be honest in my relationships, but I sometimes take this to the extreme of expecting friendships to become self-help groups.  I have been learning that friendship is a balance between acceptance and challenge.  Honesty can only really be accepted when it comes from a relationship of trust and grace.  I want to become a person who shares grace with everyone, and I so I must learn to see others as creations of God in progress.  We are all growing (and I certainly include myself in that group), and growth is not something that can be easily hurried.  Grace takes people for who they are, sees the potential in others, and does not force.  Grace is the area that I am growing in, so bear with me as I learn to take one step at a time both for myself and for others.

Theologian v. Philosopher

Today I had a discussion with a friend that I respect and it completely threw me off.  We were talking about the relationship between theology and philosophy (as academic disciplines and as classes).  She, like many other theologians at school, does not appreciate when philosophy students bring up their 'issues' in theology classes.  Part of me can understand this; before I started doing philosophy I didn't understand philosophical questions and found them to be unnecessary and uninteresting.  However, now that I have gained a deep appreciation for philosophy I understand the importance of these questions.

My friend said that there is something good about keeping the disciplines separate and that it is good to have some theology classes without philosophical questions.  When I first heard this I was rather hurt.  I was actually surprised at how much this stung and frustrated me.  But then I began thinking... It seemed as though she thought we make too many categories and distinctions when studying the Bible so that we are distracted from the original writings (in which she emphasized their narrative quality).  

It seems to me that she is right in a way, but is wrong in another.  She is right that we do not always need to categorize and literature can be looked at in its own right without being analyzed.  One can appreciate the beauty of the Psalms and worship God in doing this without doing analytic philosophy.  Indeed, it is good to work hard at hermeneutics and discover what the original authors were saying.  We must understand the flow of the text before we can systematize it.  So in this way, I think my friend is right to say that theology can be done without philosophy (although this is probably closer to biblical theology or hermeneutics).  

However, my friend's claim that the disciplines should be distinct is itself a philosophical question.  So it seems that she does not understand the wide range of philosophy.  My husband defines philosophy as 'thinking great thoughts about great things' and this seems like a good way to think about it.  Philosophy is a second-order discipline that examines what things are, how things should be done, what we should do, and how we can know things.  It seems that systematic theology is always philosophical, but it limits itself as it typically only uses the Bible and a certain type of reason to make its conclusions.  If this is the case then there is no reason I can see that we should not accept philosophy as part of theology.  Coherence is an important aspect of truth that must not be ignored when a theologian is drawing big picture conclusions.  I am very comfortable with a theologian drawing a conclusion of mystery like 'Paul say x about salvation and James teaches y, so I do not know what the complete and unified picture is.'  However, this is using philosophy!  Because of this I see no need to make a sharp distinction between theology and philosophy.

Theology and philosophy need each other.  If one tries to do philosophy without consulting theology, then one has missed out on a significant way to justify knowledge and will likely come up with the wrong conclusions.  It is not enough to simply think in a certain style and come up with the right conclusions; one must use all of the appropriate sources (which certainly includes the Bible).  However, theology also needs philosophy.  Philosophy brings clarity, detail, coherence, and sources from general revelation to the mix.  If a theologian ignores analytic philosophy then he will likely come up with incoherent thoughts that will lack complete truth.  At least some laymembers of the church will pick up on these inconsistencies and so being philosophical in theology is important so that one may avoid stumbling blocks for some people.

My friend's final complaint about philosophy was its arrogance; philosophers tend to see themselves as dominant over the other disciplines.  I can certainly see where she is coming from.  But is she right?  Part of the answer seems to be in how this is done.  One must approach second-order judgments over another discipline with great care and humility.  To have effective thought about another discipline one must know that other discipline well.  Philosophers (including myself) need to be careful about the claims they are making over the other disciplines.  It is not the job of the philosopher to do all of the 'field work' (which likely includes translation, hermeneutics, and biblical theology) but to guide the evaluations (including systematic theology).  However, philosophy can guide theology and other disciplines in being clear and coherent.  I am reminded of Paul's exhortation to the church being a whole body so that all parts are necessary and needed (1 Cor 12).  The church can be lifted up by both the theologian and the philosopher when they serve Christ with humility.

Growing Belief

I am entering a rather reflective time so I thought I would share some of my thoughts.  I have been reminded of the need to 'upkeep' my mind; I need to continually be aware of my thought life and intentionally build important beliefs.  As I say this, some of you may be thinking of intentionally refraining from certain temptations and while I think this is a positive action, it is not the only intentional action we need to take toward our thoughts.  It is very easy for me to not be conscious of what God is doing in and around me, which generally leads me to discouragement.  I think God is not at work, that evil is ruling, and that I will never improve in certain areas I struggle with.  While there certainly are bleak areas of life, this need not be my only attitude.  When I am around certain people, I am uplifted and encouraged by God's continual action.  I see their faith in God's active hand and am amazed.  While Scripture speaks of faith as a gift, it also seems to be something that is cultivated.  If someone surrounds herself with people who regularly and believably experience God, her faith will naturally grow.  In this specific area I see two areas of growth for my own life.  First, I need to me more intentional about surrounding myself with God's people so that my belief in Him will be strengthened (and be very intentional about my beliefs when I come across opposition).  Second, I want to be intentional about becoming a person who grows the faith of others.  When I speak to my good friends (to whom it would not be off-putting to talk about the things of God) I want to talk to them about God so we can mutually encourage one another.  I have formed poor habits in this regard as I have become complacent about reminding myself and those I care about that God is good.  

Beliefs are often seen as a thing that a person has or does not have (all or nothing).  However, this degreed view of beliefs (in which a person can increase or decrease his belief in a certain proposition) seems to be more accurate.  I want to make sure that I understand who I am and how I am structured so that I can pursue the good in myself and exhort others to do the same.